Frustrations...

I feel so full of frustration lately. I'm frustrated with so much beyond my control, and some within my grasps as well. Homeschooling. It's a blessing and a curse all at the same time. I am blessed to have this time with my children, and have a say in their education and peer groups. I really do feel that they will be better for it in the end. However, I just want to quit. It's really not as glorious and rewarding as I had imagined it to be. And every year, I hit this slump... but by summer I determined that "next year will be different"... and I get geared up to be more organized, more structured, try a new curriculum... even pushing away my friends to make this all possible. Only to feel unsuccessful about it by January/February every time. Where am I going wrong? Why can't I feel the joy of homeschooling? Am I trying to balance too much? Then there is volunteering. I feel this desire to help others, so I reach out and volunteer to do things... only to feel "obligated" to do them in the long run. I don't actually enjoy it after awhile, and I'm tired of having the committment. But I can't seem to just walk away, because I committed to whatever it is that I'm doing. And it becomes yet another chore on my forever growing to-do list. I go through this in cycles as well. It's really quite interesting once you get to think about it. I feel like I need to 'give', so I volunteer to do something I think will be worthwhile. Then I enjoy my full schedule for a few months until I begin to feel overwhelmed and stretched too far. So I weed out the schedule; get rid of my obligations; and what do you know? After awhile I'm bored and seeking to fulfill my desires to help others yet again. Why do I do it to myself? Maybe I'll be able to reflect on this blog post next time I feel like filling my schedule. I'd rather be running.... which leads me to my next frustration. I'm frustrated that I can't run. My FIRST race (5K) is in less than 2 weeks and I have not got a good run in - in over 2 weeks, because of an abdomen muscle tear and an achilles tendon injury. I feel like I feel so much better about myself and my life when I can run and do workouts. I feel productive and healthy. And while I sit here and allow my body to heal, I am beating myself up over time lost. I know... there will be other races. But my eye has been on this race, training for the past 9 weeks, only to lose ground right before it. It's frustrating to say the least. Another frustration I am battling is people. People who say something and don't follow through. If I feel the need to be obligated to do things, and I stick with my committments even when I don't want to, why can't other people too? It just makes me want to run in the other direction when people don't stick to their word. But mostly I'm frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated that I can't just get over the pettiness of my own frustrations. I'm frustrated that I can't box them up, give them to God, and move on. I'm frustrated that I don't make decisions to change things and do just that. I'm frustrated that I allow these frustrations to fester and change my moods. So this post, is simply me throwing up all of my frustrations on 'paper' and deciding to do something about it. Today. Not tomorrow. I will give up my frustrations. I will follow God's plan, whatever it may be. And I will not allow them to change me anymore. Public proclomation of this makes it so. - Jessica